Analgesic Rebound

So, I went to Kaiser because my head always hurts, and I have memory issues.

The first doctor had no idea what was wrong, so she prescribed Midrin (a pain killer used for both tension headaches and migraines) and gave me an appointment with an neurologist. When I went to see said neurologist, he told me that I am on analgesic rebound.

Basically, ALL drugs are habit forming, even ibuprofen and acetaminophen, no matter what you hear from anyone. And so the only way for me to get my head to NOT hurt is to not take painkillers. I must embrace the pain, and learn to ignore it, and this could take months.

This is exactly why I never liked taking medications. And exactly why I never did up until this year. Stupid irony sucks ass.

Oh, and supposedly the memory thing will straighten out on its own, and if it doesn't i have to go back for "rigorous testing."

So, if you see me, I'll probably be in pain...

This girl makes me feel fuzzy... <3

02:16:33 dracoaurea: i don't know if you've noticed, but i AM pretty strange, and socially inept...
02:16:58 sincerelysadie: hahahha
02:17:00 sincerelysadie: well
02:17:05 sincerelysadie: theres ppl like ME out there
02:17:12 sincerelysadie: who dont care HOW strange or socially inept you are
02:17:14 sincerelysadie: a friend is a friend
02:17:18 sincerelysadie: and if theyre like me
02:17:23 sincerelysadie: they'll know youre a good one to have
02:17:23 sincerelysadie: see
02:17:26 sincerelysadie: you and i
02:17:29 sincerelysadie: we have this relationship
02:17:32 dracoaurea: :)
02:17:38 sincerelysadie: where i know its soley based on trust
02:17:57 dracoaurea: and killing boys
02:18:03 sincerelysadie: hahaha
02:18:04 sincerelysadie: like i know
02:18:10 dracoaurea: <3
02:18:12 sincerelysadie: if i were ever to say "i want you to fuck this guy up"
02:18:17 sincerelysadie: and i didnt give you a reason
02:18:22 sincerelysadie: you'd do it
02:18:26 sincerelysadie: just cuz i said so
02:18:27 dracoaurea: I'm Italian.
02:18:31 sincerelysadie: and i know id do the same for you
02:18:35 sincerelysadie: and i believe
02:18:38 sincerelysadie: that kind of friendship
02:18:45 sincerelysadie: comes with a certain trust and bond

So you know that thing...

... where your subconscious identifies the thing that is most bothersome to you at the time, and makes it the center of your dreams, and then emphasizes and enlarges it until the dream turns into a nightmare, and that one thing takes over your dream, and make the night uncomfortable and tense, and then also takes over your morning, and puts you in a bad, defensive, isolated, acutely depressed mood for at least the first few hours, if not the whole day? Yeah, well, I hate that. I hate having the feeling that my subconscious can know so much about the rest of me, I hate that my own mind can choose to take advantage of a weakness like this and use it against me. I have no reason to do that to myself! I don't have anything against me...

So why is my brain pouring salt on my own wounds?

In a completely hypothetical way...

If two people have a relationship, and they split up, and he finds and marries someone else, and then the first couple starts having an affair.....

Who would be "the other woman?"

Just so nobody knows...

Since I know nobody reads this... I suppose it's just for me. Gosh that makes me feel lonely. Publish something that the entire freaking world can access, and there isn't one person out of 6 billion interested enough to read it... but anyway...

Non-existence sounds really great right about now...

I don't mean death... I love living, it can be incredibly fun. Just maybe suspended animation, or something. Some way to continue living in the future, but not have to be here right now.

Or, if it's possible, maybe I can have the part of my brain that controls emotions removed so I can stop beating myself up over the stupidest insignificant little things... hmmm. I wonder if that's even possible. I'm sure wherever that part of the brain is, it's been located already... probably in the frontal lobe... oh, wait...

This has already been done, popularized, and condemned... It's called Frontal Lobotomy... huh. Ironic.

But of course, without ANY emotion there really is no point to life...

Anyway.

Back to writing out mine.

Wisdom From Fake Robot Boy

"When I was young, my mother and I used to have fierce fights. We have 'philosophical differences' on how to live life (your average parent-child relationship). One of these arguments in particular left us both worn and drained, and I was on the verge of giving up. She told me to put my hands out and she hit them away, then she told me to put them out again, and she hit them away again. She kept asking and I kept reaching out, and then she stopped asking and I kept reaching out. 'That' she said 'Is what love is.'

"I have never since heard an explanation of the nature of love that is so simple and clear. We reach out to the ones that we love, knowing that we will get hurt and that we will be pushed away, expecting to get hurt and pushed away. Regardless, we continue to reach out to them because we love them and we know that they need us to reach out to them and offer our support even if they can't always say it."



This blog can be found in its original context here.

this was fun to write...

a first paragraph
full of crazy words
did not absorb lacks of things
brought down by a slight
nothing was right within this
OMIT THIS PAST STANZA

truth has no part in generality
but generality is truth
this is the truth but you know it
you’re fit but you know it
you’re sick but you know it

I am a spy, leading two lives at once.
I You can won’t do find anything. me.
IYcoaunwdooanntyftihnidnmge.

“I want you came to me.”
You’ve made a syntax error.
Go back and change your command.

Compare my love
with your lack thereof.
Go where it hurts
and then deeper.

And then I realized: I’m not me... I’m you.

Fine.

Salamis, lasagnas, and palindromes.
Oh, My.
You know you can say it backwards...
Mom, Dad, Bob, and Anna.
Docious Ali Expi Listic Fragi Cali Rupus

and when the Matador
in his fancy, romantic, perfect, brave suit
gets himself pierced
the fall from grace lined with his blood
end of the courtship, beautiful romance

and with my one last gasping breath
I apologize for bleeding on your shirt

Sunset is the horizon’s favorite time of day.

I've developed a new appreciation for Australians.

It's strange I never realized it before, it makes perfect sense...

Excuse me, for I don't mean to be crass, but may I just say...


MY GAWD.




Also, I think there needs to be a screenplay written for Kyle Gallner involving Michelangelo's David. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think the resemblance is uncanny...I don't know why...
I don't think Gallner is even Greek... And his features are softer because he's definitely younger than David... But I don't think there is any one person on the planet who looks more like David...

So I think I'm going to take it upon myself to start writing this... Or at the very least start jotting down ideas for it. It's been long enough that hollywood has continued to thrive without some sort of tribute to Michelangelo...

And it's not like it will be easy for anyone... I still have to WRITE the damned thing, pitch it, and get it made... But don't think it stops there, it won't just be me who's working...
Obviously Gallner will have to start working out some,
because let's face it:


There are no 21 year old boys built like this. Or rather, there are, but they are few, and far between, and our lovely Kyle Gallner is just not one of them...

But yeah...

That's your horoscope for today...

600mg of Methylxanthine

for all those wondering, and even you who weren't: bad idea

So yesterday I spent fourteen hours learning about and utilizing moral psychology. (If I were you, I wouldn't ask about this. It's a big, long story that I don't want to tell, and you don't want to hear.) Around 11:20, I found myself wavering, and drank about 80%of an Upshot (270mg methylxanthine). The rest went to Yvette. Of course it did what it was supposed to, and I was able to continue for another few hours. At four thirty, we called it quits, and I fell asleep around 6:15. I woke up the next morning at 9 to work on another project, eerily similar. I had class at noon, so around 11:35 I drank another Upshot (330mg).

For the first hour, I was incredibly alive. I had an hour of heightened senses. I was better able to retain information, I was more eager and better able to participate in class discussion. Then I found I was more opinionated. Then I found I was more bitchy. Then I had a convulsion. A single moment of complete spontaneous muscle contraction. And then there's the nausea. I've been fighting that for about seven hours now. All I want to do now is puke, so I can sleep successfully.

In conclusion, this has been one of if not The most medically unsound decision I've ever made.

The human body is not made to take 600mg of such powerful stimulants within 24-hours, especially if so few of them are spent sleeping, so few eating. So I implore you to learn from my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad mistake.


---
As a small addition, it took me until 3 in the morning to fall asleep.

The crappiest part was that I couldn't gag myself, no matter how I tried. For some reason I have incredible control over the suppression of my reflexes.

Holidays, California, and the Missing Link

A complaint filed by me, to me, during the winter holidays.


The holidays have always been a time of happiness and good will. We all trust that the celebration of the various religious holidays will overcome anything we may be feeling toward one another. In World War Two, there was a temporary hiatus in the battle between the German and British armies while the soldiers climbed from the trenches, and sung carols together on Christmas Eve. Today, government and big business alike release the indentured people, and allow them to celebrate with family and friends. Just the idea of spending a peaceful evening curled up by the fire spreads warmth into our hearts that spirits never could.

But for most Californians the winter season is not a time of peace and snow, but a time of terrifying torrential rain, which brings downed power lines, increased traffic jams, and terrifying gas and electric heating bills. The silent white we associate with the holidays has never shown itself in California, and the effect has become more and more noticeable- in the giant, fast cars we drive, in the hours we spend working, even in the way we interact with each other. Californians are a rude, selfish, aggressive people. Sure, we have our fun, but when it’s time to get things done we all prefer to have things run smoothly, and when that doesn’t happen, we get stressed out, and start biting off heads.

This lack of snow is unacceptable. California needs to be whipped into shape, and snow needs to start falling, if not for the beauty it’ll bring our state at least for the sanity of the people living here. Our people have been so snow deprived for so long that we have developed a powdered substitute that becomes snow when watered. As fun as this product is to watch, feel, and play with, it will never be a substitute for the calm, clean-slate feeling we get from a nice thick layer of real snow.

Tomorrow was a funny day...

I should logically have written this down yesterday, or this morning, but both those options were inopportune...

It started out a bad day.

I got up at eleven because I had an interview for a job as an RA at around one. I started my period, and then I locked myself out. Amanda bailed me out, though, with her crafty skills with a pole...

The interview wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... And didn't seem as long as it actually was. And so then I got my stuff together, and went to take the latin quiz that we have every Friday.

I got there, and looked at it, and went, "oh, shit...." but I got through it. And then I left. Didn't stay for the class part, only the quiz part, which I've done before. I went back toward my room, but before I got in the building, I saw Jaime sitting outside, upset, so I went over, and we talked, and he was having some issues, so I offered to make him rice to cheer him up. He agreed that would be nice, and we went to our rooms, and I invited K for rice too, and she said she was just about to ask me to the dining hall with her. So I asked Jaime what he would rather do, and he said he was meeting a friend relatively soon, and he wanted to shower.

So I went to the dining hall with K. I don't know what it was, but I was filled with such an energy! Like if I had jumped high enough I could have levitated. We ate, and then she came back with me to meet Geoffrey and eat Jelly Babies.

A little later, I went down to the ATM and got some cash, and Yvette and Jay picked up me and Genevieve, and the three of us went to dinner while he was... somewhere else, I don't really know. Well, we talked, and ate, and had some general fun. Then Jay showed back up, and we went down to Boardwalk Bowl to the bar there to watch Jay's band, Undecyded. The girls didn't have any cash on them, so I funded a bottle of Sailor Jerry's and some Sobes. Then inside one of Jay's friends bought Yvette a Jack&Coke, and Jay's mom came to the show, which was cool in a couple ways.

She knew all the lyrics to their songs. And Genevieve and Emily are her daughters names (Jay's little sisters). Then Beth called, and I talked to her for a little bit, and then we went back up to campus. I went up and hung out with Amanda, Annika, Elizabeth, and Hana, and Annika was doing her laundry, and found someone's pot they had washed in the dryer. SO we tacked it to Minh's board, and wrote "Hey Minh, someone washed their pot! Lol" and that was fun. I drank a whole 32 oz gatorade, and went to the bathroom NINE times between when I came home and when I finally fell asleep.

Then I had this crazy random dream that I was making out with some guy I didn't know, and I knew in the dream that I didn't know him...

And so that was my Friday...
Then today I went down Mission to an aquarium store, and bought Geoffrey a piece of acrylic log to hide under, and a small tank heater so I can stop worrying about him being cold... And then went to Purna's for a KKG event where we all sat around eating pancakes and talking, and watching video three of the Carmen Electra Strip Tease video series. Then we went back to campus, and K and I made rice, and went and retrieved her boy Chris from his Theta Chi function, and we all went back and had rice.

This weekend has seemed a LOT longer than all the others so far... Don't know why that is...

Oh, yeah, and I have to do lots of Latin hw and read Malcolm X's Autobiography As Told To Alex Haley by Tuesday. All of it.

That's all...

Oh, Geoffrey.

Let me preface this by saying that I am incredibly sorry that your home is so small. I, too, wish you could break free, and swim to me. Also, I'm sorry that the rocks don't allow for you to bury yourself. I know you'd like to hide, and would probably be much warmer, and I'm working on getting you sand for these purposes. Also, I know you like things warmer, and I'm sorry I can't find any good way of saving you from the cold.

But I'm so excited to have you living with me. It gives me fireworks inside when you put your nose up toward mine, when it calms you that I'm near, and when you swim around I could watch you forever. I can't wait until you're old enough to sing. To hear you will be like watching rain from the warm side of a window.

Feel safe in knowing that I'll take care of you, and will never leave you. If at least one of us can have that constant, I'll be happy for you. You know that you are not alone. I need you like water in my lungs.

Happy Swimming!

Hnoss

((An exercise in changing a myth.))


My mother once told me
That you were a swine
No, that’s wrong.
Her swine.

She said you were changed
To always be near her
And never to worry
What Daddy saw.

Uncle Freyr knew but he never told
Because you both knew, too
What Grandpa would do
If he ever found out about Her.

Freyr’s Giant was worse than
Anything
You or I
Could ever do.

And even the magic
That she taught to Daddy
He could never see
What was happening.

And she with her kingdom war-dead and he with his
And he thought my beauty was a union of deities.

They were his gift
To her, you know.
She kept half
And he kept her.

Even when every time he left
She cried tears of red gold.
She stayed with him
Even so.

Because of you.
Because of me.
Because of the offering.

But not because of the love, which she held most dear.
That’s what we were for.

And now, every time she travels
In her cart
Pulled by her lioncats
She knows.

All her love for,
All her attraction to,
All her battles of,
Her death, her magic, her wealth of

You.

She thinks of me,
And all I represent,
With my beauty,
And all I resent.

But I’ve taken her cloak;
The one from the redbirds.
And fly away with it
To find and return things.

Her necklace.
My freedom.

I should be writing an essay right now...

I found out last night that my little sister was invited to the sixteenth birthday party of a set of twins she has known and been friends with for ten years. She was eager to go, of course, and looked forward to it for over a week. But when she got there, these sixteen-year olds were drinking and smoking, and their single mother was not in the house. So my little sister left. After a five minute walk she showed back up at my parents house, and informed them. My mom and their mom are good friends, so she'll undoubtedly hear about it.

But it brings me to tears with pride that my little sister has the will power and strength of character to walk away from people who she has loved and trusted for a decade rather than partake in such activities.

I have always known Babyladee was awesome, even without justification, but now I can prove it to those I tell. I also take solace in the fact that she is not as impressionable as I have previously believed, and can absolutely stand up for herself and what she believes is right, even if it's not popular. She is a hero.

I just wish I could hug her right now.

Poor Nina......

So last night something was said to me that made me think, and made me a little bit upset...

"Poor Nina, you left her all alone!"

As if my going to college caused Nina to suddenly have no friends, and nothing to do. As if hanging out with me were the only thing she ever did before.

When Stephanie left I lost an older sister, and nobody felt bad for me. And Nina's WAY more independent than me, too. And it's not like I never see her, she only lives a half-hour away. And this has brought her closer to her dog, who used to get lots of attention from me, but doesn't now, and needs that attention. He gets it from his MOTHER now...

And what was I supposed to do, anyway? Do people really expect me to have never moved away or go to college, ever? Did I miss the part where I was destined to stay in my parents house doing nothing with my life so that NINA could feel more comfortable in hers? Is that really what these people want from me???

That's fucking ridiculous!!!

I love my little sister, but I will not sacrifice my life so that she can feel more comfortable because I'll always be there. The world just doesn't work that way. I need to have my life too.

And if that's not what was mean by that statement, maybe that statement shouldn't be made, because that's what it implies. Maybe that should be considered before anyone makes any more comments like that. Think about what you're really saying.

Is that so hard?

Skeletons

You know how sometimes life has been crappy for a while, and then things get better, and then something drastically bad happens, and as that's being sorted out, and you're starting to feel good that "at least I don't have to deal with THAT anymore" life just turns around and slaps you on the face?

I hate that.

Especially when it sucks. Which just happens to be always. I don't understand why some people can't just leave well-enough alone. If you fucked up, and I've told you to be able to forgive you and forget about it (which is something you want) I need some time to NOT think about you, why in the world would that make it seem to you like I want you trying to make casual conversation with me? Can't you see it's killing me? Don't you understand that if you try to force yourself on me, I'm only going to hate you more? Especially after doing something like that. You should know enough by now to know that I'm not just going to forget about it and let everything go back to what it was. I have been known to forget everyday little things, but you should know by now that the odds of me forgetting what you've done are staggering. Especially if you keep randomly occurring in my life.

I love you. What happened there was probably the most amazing experience I have or will ever had. And if at the end of my life I were presented the option to cease to exist or to repeat my life over, exactly as it was, nothing changed at all, I would probably jump at the opportunity to experience That again, because all things considered, even everything I've been through doesn't seem so intolerable.

But I beg of you, Please, please, stop this torture. I want to be able to remember you for every amazing moment we had, every breath I took that was enriched because I was near you. Not the fact that you wouldn't let me go. I don't want to see you as a negative presence in my life, and so I need you to not be in my life.

I know it seems selfish of me to ask this of you, and I know I would never truly be writing this if I even thought there was any way you might some day find it. But don't I deserve my turn? You were selfish once, and it cost me my life. At least let me attempt the tangled mess of my life in peace. Please. Let me rest in peace.

It's not really so big a request. Just, stop.

Frederick Wilhelm Nietzsche, "On the Genealogy of Morals" section 14

"-and impotence does not require into 'goodness of heart'; anxious lowliness into 'humility'; subjection to those one hates into 'obedience' (that is, to one of whom they say he commands this subjection-- they call him God). The inoffensiveness of the weak man, even the cowardice of which he has so much, his lingering at the door, his being ineluctably compelled to wait, here acquire flattering names, such as 'patience,' and are even called virtue itself; his inability for revenge is called unwillingness to revenge, perhaps even forgiveness ('for they know not what they do-- we alone know what they do!'). They also speak of 'loving one's enemies'-- and sweat as they do so...
They are miserable, no doubt of it, all these mutterers and nook counterfeiters, although they crouch warmly together-- but they tell me their misery is a sign of being chosen by God; one beats the dogs one likes best; perhaps this misery is also a preparation, a testing, a schooling, perhaps it is even more-- something that will one day be made good and recompensed with interest, with huge payments of gold, no! happiness. This they call 'bliss.'"

... And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west...

The world is a cold, cold place.

Keep your friends as close as you can, because you'll never know when you're going to need them, but be aware, and recognize when they've become your enemies.

Know that true friends are not the ones who climb the ladder, but the ones who'll stay with you when you get pushed off.

Know that what happens the first time around isn't nearly as important as what happens after you've forgiven what happened the first time around.

And above all else, know that those who truly love you will always support you, and will never abandon you for flashiness and power, no matter how attractive and easy it gets.




((Also, remember that they don't all suck, only the ones in power...))

This is the mug shot of Rosa Parks, to remind you that those who change the world are often unappreciated.

=throws party=

Yay!

Hooray for technology, hooray for insurance, hooray for living only so far away, hooray for my daddy!

All these things have come together, and made everything better.
Dad brought me my new phone which isn't anywhere as cool as my old one, but a phone nonetheless. And I have to admit, the video/photo thing is pretty sweet...


This is the new phone....

“How are you?” he asked, genuinely concerned. She didn’t look at him, but rather continued segregating her M&Ms. “Did you know,” she retaliated, “that the human body is capable of millions of emotions, yet we can only find names and words for the tiniest fraction of them?”


I just liked this. I wrote it for LTCR. It was an exercise in indirect discourse...