I'm giving up on love cos love's given up on me.

I used to believe I liked the rain because it made it easier to pretend I wasn't crying. I realize now that I like the rain because it makes it easier to pretend that I am crying.

You cover me in all this girly shit- hair, nails, clothes, shoes, purses, make-up, rings, necklaces that sparkle- and take me out of my element. You keep saying you're trying to give me a life, but really you're trying to give me your life. But I don't want your life. You can keep it. I don't wear tight clothes because I'm not comfortable with my body. You are, and that's ok, I'm not going to try to make you be more modest, but I need the same respect from you. I need you to realize that I'm not in any way attractive, and I'm not comfortable around people who are overly assertive, people who are loud, people who don't think before they speak, people who are impulsive, people who do stupid, idiotic, ridiculous things because they think they're being funny when really they're just being disrespectful, or in large groups, which I've come to realize I define as "more than two or three." I pretend to be, for your sake, because I love you, and want you to be happy, but I know you see it on me, because I'm so transparent. And just so you know, when you see me about to cry and ask me what's wrong and I don't answer you, it's not because I'm ignoring you. It's because I can't think of a single thing to say to express just how miserable i feel, and I know that if I tried I'd only start crying, and would ruin your night.

So here's how it goes: I've been me, and that didn't work out for me. I've been you, and that didn't work out for me. I've been everything I hate in this world, and that didn't work out for me. Nothing works. I don't want to do this anymore. I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. There's no happy ending for me, at the end it's going to be you in your life, and me and my cat in mine.

I'm sort of okay with that. I trust him.

I give up.