This weekend was unexpectedly a trip to San Jose.
After Psych Friday I went to go flyer with Evelyn and Bridget, except we realized we had no flyers, so we got Noelle and went to lunch. After lunch we watched Peter Pan, and then Evelyn went off to administrate Greek Week, and Noelle and I watched about the first quarter of Nurse Betty, and then I headed back, fully intending a nap. Instead, as I was coming in, Jaime was at the door, and asked if I wanted a ride back to SH. I said yes, and we left, and halfway through he invited me to the city with him to hang out, and he'd drive me home later that night. Well, as it turned out, he left his ID in Santa Cruz, so we didn't stay long. We did, however, have dinner at this AMAZING little Thai place called The Citrus Club on Haight. It was sooo good, and the plates were really big, and we had two entrées and an appetizer for literally twenty bucks!
After that he took me home, though, and went back to SC.
Later that night, I met the Boy on my bridge over 17, and we talked for two hours. We talked about random things, we talked about normal conversation things, and we talked about things that really mattered. I completely surprised myself by being completely genuine the whole time, not trying to be anything, or withhold anything, and just telling him how I really felt (which, incidentally, clued me in as well). I told him how I still loved him, that I never stopped loving him, and that it would be impossible for me to hate him as much as I do without still loving him. I told him that I couldn't see me trusting him, and he said he didn't understand how he had betrayed me, so I explained to him how he had removed the one constant, stable, good thing in my life at the exact moment when that support was what I really needed. I told him about how he was the only guy I had ever seriously considered a future with. I explained to him that the reason I didn't want to talk to him, and removed him from everything was because every time I saw him online, or saw an update about him, I once again felt that sledgehammer to my chest. And I explained to him that the reason we could never be together again was not because I could never learn to trust him again (because I could definitely relearn that), but because we couldn't go back to what we had, and whatever we would have would never be as beautiful as it was. It would always be the Second Chance, and would never be able to truly compare. I also told him about my blog (Skeletons) and about the part where if at the end of my life I were offered to do it all again, even with everything I have been through I would do it just for those five months.
And the whole time he kept reminding me how this was the only decision he regretted making, and how sorry he was, and how he wished he could take it back. He never offered any feelings, or experiences. He never mentioned any sort of growth from it, only that it was a regret, and emphasized how he tries not to regret anything. He hasn't changed at all, hasn't learned anything. I think he's just insecure, and wants me to forgive him so that he can go back to pretending the world is perfect, and he's never done any harm. He's so disconnected from reality, it's almost frightening. I don't think he realizes that things aren't that simple. He wanted me to reassure him that I wouldn't hate him forever. I told him I never truly hated him, but that I was angry with him, and incredibly disappointed in him. I think he took that as a good thing. I think that made him feel better. I don't think he realizes how upset with him I really am. I didn't even realize it until I was there, standing thirty feet above rushing traffic at two in the morning telling him. But I am still mad at him. I am still incredibly disappointed in him. I am still upset that he trashed my life on a whim like that.
Anyone who knows me really well can tell you that it takes a lot for me to be able to trust someone. And betrayal of that magnitude is exactly what I'm trying desperately to protect myself from. But it shouldn't take this long, should it? Isn't the rule of thumb that it takes half as long as the relationship to get over it? And yet here I am, five months after a five month relationship, still tortured, still feeling the shiver of steel twitch into the muscles of my heart as if the blood were spilled only yesterday. I've gotten much better at hiding it, but it's still there. And that worries me. Because it means I had much more invested than I realized, and cared much more about it, about him, than I ever knew. It means I really did lose something that really mattered to me. And I think that hurts more than anything.
Anyway, today I took Nina to the mall to get a birthday present for Beth, and then went to see Beth. Then a little later I went and picked up elskan mín, Ariel, and food, and we ate, and talked, and sat in the hot tub, and I remembered why I like that so much. She, Nina, and I stayed in there until we were all almost falling asleep, and I didn't get her home until a good two hours past when her dad told her to be home.
But, gawd, I miss her. Life is so much more comfortable with her, and I feel like I just want to snuggle up to her and fall asleep. The whole time we were remembering how much fun we had spending virtually every minute together all last summer. And I really miss that. She really is one of those people who makes it easier to understand why the world is spinning, and it's never cold with her, even on the windiest, rainiest of nights. And now, even though I love school, and I love my classes, and everything is wonderful, I can't wait for summer to start so I can be constantly near her again. She's such an awesome person, and she's just generally fun to be around.
