I think I'm going to just stop using the internet altogether.

Approximately twelve hours ago I was multi-tasking, listening to music, and reading Wikipedia on my phone (which is attached to my gmail). I browsed for many things, starting with Skyrim things, moving to the Goldenglow Estate (a bee farm that supplies the Blackbriar family with honey for their mead operation) to Mead in general, to Honeymoon (because isn't that when you spend time with your newly married spouse drinking mead?). It turns out not to be about mead drinking at all, but a satirical way of referencing the first sweet months of a marriage before you grow tired of each other.

Down at the bottom of the page it says "See Also: Babymoon." This turns out to be a period just before or after the birth of a baby when a couple spends vacation time together either to strengthen their bond and enjoy themselves one last time before parenthood, or getting to know their new child.

Interesting, but not life-altering. Funny little moniker.

Then this morning I check my email to find out that about ten hours ago (roughly 2hrs later) I was sent a Hilton Honors Exclusive Travel Deals email. I usually open them to see all the places I could go, then delete them. I haven't noticed them being super directed, really, but some of the places seem like they'd be worth a visit. At the bottom of this one, however, was an offer for preferred treatment (late checkout, gifts, snack basket, etc) on a Florida or California BABYMOON. This is the second time I've experienced this term in my life, and it's less than a day later.

Coincidence?? Or Google shenanigans??? You decide....

Fabulous new car - lots of pics.

SUBARU XV!!
Purchased July of 2013 after a rock destroyed the Volvo.
Miss the Volvo, but the XV is amazing and we love it!!

RDA Remington

AKA Apollo
http://www.allbreedpedigree.com/rda+remington

Poor pup....

Didn't really know what he was getting into when he walked himself in there...

I didn't even have to tell him...

Ways to Know That I've Fallen In Love With You

Ways to know that I've fallen in love with you:

- For every text you send me, you get three texts back.
- Even at very odd hours of the night, I'm instantly accessible and readily available.
- I wanna pay for shit. Even if you don't want me to (especially if you don't want me to).
Note: this is chivalry, is standard for me, and only symptomatic when it's to an uncontrollable extent.
- I spend more on you in a week than I spend on me in a fortnight (often in vast multiples).
- When we talk I'm enraptured by you and am often stunned into lengthy silences (even over phone).

What you should do about it:

- Inform me firmly but gently that you're glad to be my friend, but nothing more.

Other options:

- I guess you could appreciate it and reciprocate if you really wanted to...
Note: this is not expected; that would be a dream.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you:

- Use me against myself, keeping me close so I will continue to pour all my resources out into you, then pretend that's normal and insist you didn't know what you were doing to me/didn't do anything.

Ode to Chapter Politics

Even in the pink of times
you walk a fine and dainty line
of what to give and what to keep
and as a chapter what to seek.
We turn to you in times of woe,
to guide us and your grace bestow,
yet wisdom we shall never know
upholds you now, you drunken ho.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Like Cats and Dogs

I think the big difference between cats and dogs is the way they treat their environment. Cats are locals. It doesn't matter how long they've been in a place, they know the lay of the land, and are comfortable there. Dogs, on the other hand, are explorers. Even if they've been in a place their whole lives, they're always smelling new things, and having new encounters.

How can one even begin to describe the existential loneliness that originates in living with an experience that the majority of the population could never begin to imagine experiencing?

When I'm in that electrical moment there is no world, and when I lay there, unable to move afterward, all there exists for me is stoic, silent observation. There is no communicating, there is no expression, there is no connection to anything outside my own body. And I like it that way. I am in my own world, and I like it in there. It is quiet, and there is no one demanding anything of me. I am free to spend as much time as I wish focusing on what I am seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking. It truly is like meditation, and I think it is the therapeutic value of this exploration, both internal and external, that keeps me from being terrified of this sudden and complete loss of control over my body.

It seems to manifest in a way that provides me with some perverse kind of psychological release from any responsibility for what happens.

None of this is captured in the wikipedia article, or textbook definition of this, mostly because those are written by people who observe them form the outside, and have never actually experienced it. Also, it protects those who would idiotically attempt to reproduce the experience form this feeling.

This must be why there are support groups for this type of thing.

I don't know if I can really even connect with the people I used to revel in conversation with.

Jesus

Tonight I met a guy named Jesus. I had just finished my last final of the quarter, which I felt pretty good about, since I spent all day studying. I was sitting on a concrete pseudo-bench, waiting to be picked up, and he was walking by, smoking a cigarette, and changed his course to come over. I gave him some peanut butter M&M's, and he gave me a drag, and we introduced ourselves. He said that he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and had a rough day, and he was trying to keep himself occupied. He had drawn some tattoo art on commission, and was meeting up with the girl to get her approval. I told him I had just gotten out of class, and was going to go throw my little party, and extended him an invitation. We hung out for around three hours, with C, just smoking and talking, and showing each other our art, which looked eerily similar, captioned in handwriting that looked similar. We had everything to talk about, and there wasn't a moment of silence.

Then we went downtown, walked around and got Cold Stone, still talking about random experiences. And this whole other side of him came out. I was worried about the sketchiness of downtown (which smelled like shit, especially at the liquor store where he bought cigarettes), and he was so shocked by it that that's what preoccupied him for the next twenty minutes. He started telling stories about pulling a knife on his ex-girlfriend while breaking up with her, and she grabbed it and slashed his pinky (which was stupid on his part). Then there was a story about being banned from the boardwalk, and while still disallowed he got a job there and stole a bunch of money. Which, needless to say, didn't make me feel any less sketched out.

I have to say, I'm not that comfortable with how hardcore that is. But other than that, he seemed like someone I would get along with crazy well. We seem to be very similar people. :) C****'s only comment on him was that he "kept making eyes at her".... Frankly, I doubt that has the meaning she thinks. It had already been established they were both locals. If he was looking at her at all, he was probably just trying to place her. Or wondering why she wasn't adding to the conversation, cos she was just being silent a lot. Now that I know to look for that, I seem to be finding it in her an awful lot... Curious.

I know what i want from internet browsers next.

I want my browser and application windows to pop up in the order of when I last clicked them, not stay in the program I'm in. If a chat window is in between two firefox, it should come up. It can be dimmed like they do, but it should come up. That way you can find shit...

Re: "This bein broke thing is killing me"

I'm not sure how I should respond to you. I'm relatively certain you don't see or understand exactly the position that you've put me in on this one... Yes, I understand how it feels to be broke- I'm there too, remember? But I don't think you realize that the reason you're feeling like you have no money is because I'm no longer spending mine on you, so you're finally getting denied the things you don't have the means to get for yourself. And then there's this whole thing about how the reason I'm not spending money on you anymore is because I don't have any more. And why do I not have any more money? Because YOU spent it all.

So, yes, I get how hard it is to be broke, I'm right there with you. And what's more, I'm right there because of you.

You have my support, but I have no sympathy for you.

A Community Mental Health assignment on how to address a community in crisis

ways i would, as a communist, go about helping the tent people
-Focus on the prevention, and how with future planning, etc. this wouldn't've been so bad
-not much you can do about change of environment... unless it was about moving your tent to another town where you might be able to find work? Oh! move out of the country! That's it! relocate to somewhere there are jobs
-perspective is that you're in the dumps. if, instead, you think about how far you just came w/out loss of life or limb, outlook is much better (if you came this far without loss of life or limb)
-strengths : weaknesses as team/community/tent-setting-up-skills : financial power/financial-planning-skills
-different skills b/w ppl have different levels of importance
-offer confidential counseling to anyone who requests it

Peanut Butter and Jelly

If anyone has thought about it, this is a very sexy sandwich, starring the knife as cupid. One side of it brings the nuts, the other side brings the sweetness of the oozy jelly. Both are firmly affixed to the underbelly of a big tan end of spud in bread form. And when the nuts and the jelly are touching, and things are starting to get drippy, you put it in your mouth, and it's an explosion of fantastic-ness. The creamy nut butter slides over your tongue, and down the back of your throat, the divinely sweet, luscious jelly leaves the trace in your mouth that wants more.

Anything can be sexy. This paragraph was about lunch.

Circular logic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLxCxw5GnPM&NR=1

Explanation FAIL.

Epic, epic fail.

My new theme song.

So, you know how everyone wishes they had a theme song? I think I've found mine...
It's one of those things where when you hear it you have to go "Oh, my. This is truly how my personality should be expressed."


Nickel Creek: Doubting Thomas

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me,

I'm a doubting Thomas,
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe,
Oh me of little faith,

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward,
If there's a master of death I'll bet he's holding his breath,
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power,
I'm a doubting Thomas,
I can't keep my promises,
'Cause i don't know what's safe,
oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth,
When I'm scared I'll find proof that its a lie,
Can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs,
That prove I'm not ready to die,

Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted,

I'm a doubting Thomas,
I'll take your promise,
Though I know nothin's safe,
Oh me of little faith...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eFe3net82s

"Not if T****'s coming home"

So, she's back in touch with her ex-boyfriend who is currently finishing up his tour of duty in Iraq. She says he's supposed to be home in March. She says they were together until he decided to join the military, and that's the only reason they broke up (she couldn't stand to see him sacrificing himself). She says now that they're talking they've decided they really do love each other, and she wants to get back together with him when he gets home.

The only thing is, I don't know him, but I do know her, and she's going to try to spend as much time with him as possible, which means I'll have so much less. Now she's saying that since he's coming home she's in no hurry to get out of Santa Cruz, even though the entire time I've known her she's been itching for bigger things. She's always wanted to get out of her parents' house, but before we were going to do it together. I was excited about living with her. I was looking at stuff on Craigslist, and planning finances and everything. Then I didn't think she was as into it as I was, and kind of stopped for a while, but then I found HER looking at listings. And that made me really happy. Cos I knew she wanted it too. Or, I thought she did. Maybe I was mistaken, and she was only driven by getting away from her parents. Either way, now she's saying when He comes home she might move into his house in Ben Lomond with him. And that hurts SO MUCH. I've not only been marginalized as a friend, I've been completely brushed aside and forgotten.

So I lied, there were two things. Also, I've been there when people show up randomly, and change the way a person sees the world. It's not going to be the same hanging out with her ever again. She's not going to be C****, she's going to be C**** and T****. She'll never be the same to hang out with because her personality will be influenced by who she's trying to be fore him. I don't want that. I like who she is now. I don't want to see her put on the mask of whoever's around, especially not if it's some aggressive, all-or-nothing, Fresh-out-of-the-Service Marine, who still thinks in terms of a strict hierarchy, and rules and regulations, and not the close interpersonal intimate gestures that comprise normal, day-to-day relationships. She's going to be trying to make him happy, and in the process, giving up who she truly is.








I really, truly am lost. If anyone in the world has any advice for me, good or otherwise, I'd really appreciate the extra point of view.

Already, every other word is about him. He's already changed our friendship, simply by having such a huge impact on her. We never talk about regular things anymore. It's always her telling me stories of the two of them from before. I mean, I'm ok with her reminiscing, especially since it seems to make her so happy to think of him in that capacity, but I get tired of hearing about boys, especially him, and I think it's simply because I realize that he's not going to be who she remembers him as, and she might get hurt trying to force him to be that guy again.

Re: Why is there no synthetic honey?

This question is on my blogger profile under "interests," and in the blog "Technological Advances" posted 4/24/07...
I was interested because I didn't think there was. But tonight my world has been turned upside down.

There is now imitation honey...... I bought it unknowingly at the market for my sister because it was in a bear-shaped container and I tend to favor bear-shaped honey over hive-shaped honey (it seems less of a blatant mock). But now there's a whole part of me that thought honey was a pure untouched part of the world of fakiness that has nothing to believe in anymore and a whole other part of me that is no longer fired up because ppl who can't eat honey are missing out. A large part of me died just now... 12/16/08 1:12 am

stress and wc and a career in medicine

I know this is a bit late as far as notices go, but in August I got hit on the head by a client, and started having seizures. I've had two so far. Worker's comp has been a battle, and I absolutely hate them.

But the funny part is that when I went to see Dr. Lee, he told me that I'm more susceptible to seizures when I'm stressed out. And now worker's comp is stressing me out. Which could potentially cost them more, if I have another seizure and end up not working for longer... Idiots.

I've also been thinking more and more about a career in medicine. I really like what I'm doing right now, and the neurologist thing is really appealing to me. Perhaps something more on the psychology side of things...

Rah rah for Kappa Kappa Gamma.....

So, I"m at a sorority meeting right now, and am slacking off on my computer like I always do, except for there's one difference: the chapter council is sitting all spread out at a table behind me. See, normally we have our meetings on monday nights, but because of Veterans' day we knew people would skip school on monday, and therefore be out of town on monday night, so we moved it to tonight. Which means that the room we're normally in wasn't available, so we had to use a room in stevenson. And in order to fit us all in this room, we've had to sit in a circle. So I can see all my sisters, but also that chapter council can see me (or, more specifically, my computer screen).



I swear there's more of us than this, this is just one corner of the circle. If circles had corners. Which they don't. So yah.

Also, one of our officers just used the phrase "rumbly tumbly".... Quite entertaining.

This isn't what I wanted.

i've been really hard to deal with lately. and You've been so fantastic. i love you.

and i know it got really hard on you, to have to deal with me so much. and I'm so sorry.

but i can't do this without you. i need you by my side right now.

and i know you want to keep yourself safe, and i know i said it's what i wanted too, to protect you, but the truth is i was just trying to be selfless, like i always try to do, and i don't know if i can afford to be that right now.

I feel so alone, and so scared, and to have you pull back from me right now has sort of destroyed me.

because you always said you'd never leave me, and that you were different, and i could trust you, but how am i supposed to trust you, when at the moment i really need you most, you disappear?

How am I supposed to learn to trust you?

I want to, so badly. I do, really. I always have. I just didn't want you to know. Because as soon as you realized you had that power over me, I had no defenses.




I need to know that you're still here for me. Please.

the bastardization of my favorite holiday

So, today has been extremely long, and very tiring, and frankly I'm surprised I'm still up.
Last night I spent at my parents' house, and slept from about 330 to 7ish. Then I went to work with me dad, and nodded off in a chair in his office til it was time for him to take me to CARD, where I attended a therapist meeting. Then L*** picked me up around noon to take me to the bus station, where the 17 bus was extremely late. It ended up taking me from 1 til 330 to get from downtown SJ to class (which i was late to). Then in class my teacher excluded me from virtually all exercises, which hurt in 2 ways: one because I was working hard to come up with answers for if she had called on me, and two because I know that not being called on makes me complacent, and I'll start to not care about it, and therefore not do it. Then she separated me and C****, so we had to work with other people, so of course that meant that I had to work by myself, because whenever I'm meant to work with people I don't know I always end up getting overlooked (another inclination to complacency). Then after class I told CC about how this upset me, and her response was all about how this is the first time I've ever not been called on, and how I was ruining her day. Her exact words were, "not to be a downer, but until you started doing this I was in a really good mood."

I didn't fabricate that at all. That's a direct quote. So of course I was upset by that. I pretty much just put my head down and cried the rest of the bus ride to her car. She had wanted me to go run errands with her, and I had wanted to, but at that point was definitely no longer interested, and asked her to take me home, where I ate mac and cheese, biscuits, and cake, and fell asleep. We did, however, both express in the car that we would both still like to spend the evening together. When she called me to go out, I got ready and went, expecting to spend the evening with her. But really all she wanted to do was get me out of the house. As soon as we were downtown, she called P**** to ask where she and her friends were going to drink.

They were going to the Palomar for dinner, so I went with them there and sat at their table while they ate. I kept trying to get a hold of Rob, who had said he was in a haunted house in Morgan Hill, and would call me when he was done. He didn't call me til the last five minutes of their dinner, which was only because I had called him a few times. He said he was already in East SJ, and not driving cos he was drinking, so we weren't going to meet up. By this time the girls had decided they wanted to go to Rosie's.

I wanted to not be around them anymore, because I tend to find that when you're not hanging out with someone, and they're going somewhere you're not allowed, and the thing you were going to do to make it ok that they were going to ditch you fails, and you have nothing left to do, it's a little embarrassing, but C**** made me walk down to Rosie's with them. There she gave a me a big long hug, and told me she loved me three different times, and kept telling me that if anything happened to me, to call her before anyone else. I couldn't bring myself to look at her, but I promised anyway, saying "what could happen, I'm just going to walk home."

So I walked the 2 miles home, which under normal circumstances should have taken about 40 minutes, but in heels in the wet, when I got lost, and all ended up taking from about 10:20 to about 12:40. Like I said, I got lost along the way, and in a slight panic sent C**** a text saying I had managed to lose myself, but never got any reply, so I kind of just forgot about what she had said about calling her when in danger, and kept walking. In this way I eventually convinced myself that I really am alone in this life, and I'm not going to get that to change any time soon. I know she loves me very much, but she's just not dependably there for me, especially in the last few days.

I appreciate her attempt to get me out on Halloween to have fun, really I do. But I wish she would realize that for me, walking two miles home while she drinks and parties with the friends that are older than me really isn't fun. I cherish the days we spend together, on the couches, doing homework. She doesn't ever act really supportive during those study sessions, but then again, I don't ever desperately need her during those times, so I don't really give her a chance to fail at supportiveness.

Anyway, I'm home now, though I haven't texted her. I figure if she really did want to know I was safe she would have at least contacted me when I told her I was lost. I drank about the last four ounces of Jager at the bottom of the bottle Rob and I cracked the other night, and cut my hand, and am ready to pass out. Tomorrow I have to correct and start memorizing my italian homework, and find some way to san jose before grandpa's birthday, and then call rob afterward.

I guess at some point during this I should get in contact with Andrew, but on the other hand, he hasn't made any attempt to contact me....


P.S. Apparently Jager bottles don't smash when lobbed into streets from balconies. They just clank, and tumble, and make stupid noises. Stupid thick glass. That's not satisfying at all.

You Were Mine

I can't find a reason to let go.
Even though you've found a new love
and she's what your dreams are made of,
I can find a reason to hang on.
What went wrong can be forgiven.
Without you, it ain't worth livin' alone.

Sometimes I wake up crying at night,
and sometimes I scream out your name.
What right does she have to take you away
when for so long you were mine?

I took out all the pictures of our wedding day.
It was a time of love and laughter,
happy ever after.
But even those old pictures have begun to fade.
Please tell me she's not real,
and that you're really coming home to stay.

Sometimes I wake up crying at night,
and sometimes I scream out your name.
What right does she have to take your heart away
when for so long you were mine?

I can give you two good reasons
to show you love's not blind:
he's two and she's four, and you know they adore you.
So how can I tell them you've changed your mind?

Sometimes I wake up crying at night,
and sometimes I scream out your name.
What right does she have to take your heart away
when for so long you were mine?

I remember when you were mine...

Seventy Times Seven

"Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team..."

"Trade the truth in for a lie, cheatin' really ain't a crime..."


Never really understood this til just now. Always liked it, though. But now I get it.

I hope you find this, K-Dawg. I hope you find it, and read it, and know what I've done.

I wish I could say that I feel really bad. But that would be a lie. I feel nothing.

I wish I could say that this will never happen again. Though I can't see the future, I'm pretty sure that would be a lie too.

I wish I could say that it's out of my system. But I know this is only the beginning.

I wish that when you do find this, you come to me about it. It's killing me.

The saddest thing I've read in a long time.

I've gotten back into books lately. I've always loved reading, but haven't been able to find the time. Since starting to have seizures I've been using reading as a de-stressor. I don't find time for books, I make time for them. No matter what it takes. They're just so much more relaxing than most everything else I do. I recently finished one that I'd recommend to you called "God Is Dead," which is about the chaos that ensues after god manifests in human form and is killed by terrorists. It was very interesting, and eerily familiar. I was having a bad day when I finished that one because my medication had just been doubled, and I was getting my depression side effect back, but C**** immediately suggested another which I have been devouring. It's called "Chosen by a Horse," and is about how adopting an abused, neglected horse has made an abused, neglected woman realize that she can love and be loved in spite of how painful her past has been.

The excerpt I'd like to point out tonight is about how she talks to her brother about their mother, who died when she was five, and he was seven.


"'Did I love her?' That was what disturbed me the most-- not remembering her love for me, but mine for her.
'The last time we visited her in the hospital, you climbed into her bed, and it took two nurses to pull you away from her. You screamed all the way to the car."
I pictured a little girl who looked like me, clinging to her mother, holding on for dear life. I thought if I could remember that moment, remember loving someone that much, I'd be able to love like that again."

I'm giving up on love cos love's given up on me.

I used to believe I liked the rain because it made it easier to pretend I wasn't crying. I realize now that I like the rain because it makes it easier to pretend that I am crying.

You cover me in all this girly shit- hair, nails, clothes, shoes, purses, make-up, rings, necklaces that sparkle- and take me out of my element. You keep saying you're trying to give me a life, but really you're trying to give me your life. But I don't want your life. You can keep it. I don't wear tight clothes because I'm not comfortable with my body. You are, and that's ok, I'm not going to try to make you be more modest, but I need the same respect from you. I need you to realize that I'm not in any way attractive, and I'm not comfortable around people who are overly assertive, people who are loud, people who don't think before they speak, people who are impulsive, people who do stupid, idiotic, ridiculous things because they think they're being funny when really they're just being disrespectful, or in large groups, which I've come to realize I define as "more than two or three." I pretend to be, for your sake, because I love you, and want you to be happy, but I know you see it on me, because I'm so transparent. And just so you know, when you see me about to cry and ask me what's wrong and I don't answer you, it's not because I'm ignoring you. It's because I can't think of a single thing to say to express just how miserable i feel, and I know that if I tried I'd only start crying, and would ruin your night.

So here's how it goes: I've been me, and that didn't work out for me. I've been you, and that didn't work out for me. I've been everything I hate in this world, and that didn't work out for me. Nothing works. I don't want to do this anymore. I gave it everything I had, and everything I got was bad. There's no happy ending for me, at the end it's going to be you in your life, and me and my cat in mine.

I'm sort of okay with that. I trust him.

I give up.

Dear Sadie,

You were absolutely right.
Mango + Rice = Divine.
And the addition of the tuna cakes wasn't bad either.
I'm definitely making this again, and every time I do I'll think of you.
:)

<3 M

The world is emo.

Why is it that everyone in the world has become so depressed and burnt out all at the same time? Is there something in the air or something? Some chemical that's in the water that's counteracting everyone's antidepressants?

I like being there for people when they're down. Really, I do. And if you feel bad, come to me. I'll do my best to make you feel better. But when everyone's feeling shitty all at once, and all I ever hear is how fed up everyone is with their personal situation, and how tired people are, and how scared people are, and how disgusted people are, and how terrified people are, and how angry people are, and how sick people are, and how horrible life is, it gets really hard for me to stay cheery.

I mean, I've got my own stuff to deal with too, you know. But that doesn't mean it's all I ever tell anyone about. I go out of my way to not bring up my issues when I'm talking to people who are not involved in them, cos they don't need to be brought down, and I don't need them to feel bad. It's really not inviting when all you talk about is how miserable you are. It makes you seem just that- miserable.

So, I'm not saying don't have problems. I'm not saying not to talk to me about them. I'm especially not saying don't talk to me at all (don't push me away just cos you have issues; I really am just trying to help). I'm just saying that when I try to cheer you up, don't snap at me, and don't brood at me. Your problems are not my problems, I don't want to join you in feeling sorry for you, or for me, or anyone else. I just want to be supportive and loving, and help you to realize that you're not alone in the world, so maybe you'll see that it doesn't COMPLETELY suck balls.

Happy Fourth

So, two days ago my family adopted a tiny little puppy... He's Pomeranian and Chihuahua, and his name is Benny, and he weighs 2.9 lbs, and bounces when you call him, and is adorable and cuddly, and I love him so much. He's tiny and fuzzy and black, and he's really pudgy, so he's about the same width all the way down his body, so when you hold him under his chest he feels like he's gonna fall, and squirms and squirms... But when he wants to get picked up he comes up to you and bounces, or if you put your hand out he'll put his front paws onto it. He loves taking Jack's toys and shaking them, while growling so fiercely I think he's gonna hurt himself. He falls asleep about every three hours, and is so cute stretched out in his fluffy little bed (that's where he is now). Because he has such a thick coat, he gets hot really easily, and is always panting. Whenever I notice that, I take him to his water so he can drink, but he's almost always way tired, and drinks for about three seconds, and then conks out right there next to his water bowl.

But today, on the 4th of July (Independence day for Americans), my parents decided I should stay home and babysit little Benito while they go out on a motorcycle ride. Nina's at a friend's house in Morgan Hill to watch fireworks, and Steph's who-knows-where doing who-knows-what...

I don't mind watching the pets, I appreciate having the time with them, esp since I live way far away from them. I just wish I could have been asked, instead of expected. I mean, I do have a life outside of my family. C wanted to go out to dinner tonight. It's the Fourth of Fucking July. I could've gone out to party. I could've gone to see fireworks. I could've gone and met a bunch of cool new people. Not that I wanted to do any of those things, but I'd like to have the freedom to choose...


So, family: Where's MY Independence?


Also, there's firecrackers going off right now, and I can't believe it, but he's sleeping through them.

Love is... altruistic

It's funny how we put ourselves in the most trying of positions for the benefit of others, even if what we're doing is extremely detrimental to our own physical, mental, emotional health, welfare, whatever. It seems this concept of "love" requires of us complete and total devotion to the safety and comfort of some other person without even concerning ourselves with whether we've addressed our own needs first or at all, or whether this other person is in turn willing to be concerned with our needs. This "love," this beauty that is so coveted, so often written about, is so easily the cause of so much pain.

At first, the feeling itself is liberating. To know and feel and admit to yourself that there is some person in your life for whom you wouldn't hesitate to perform even the most astonishing actions, no regrets, produces such a powerful wave of calming, intense, giddy pleasure that it seems you'll never come down.

Then, when you realize seconds later that it is only you who feels this strongly, and that the object of your affection does not return the gesture, you're overcome by a panic that is pained, and sick, and the overwhelming tone of life seems so destructive, so incredibly wrong that the only thought capable of entering your mind is how much you want it to stop. But of course, it never does. And eventually you realize that you don't mind that they don't want to protect you in return, even if they said they would. It makes them happy that you are so devoted, so it means nothing at all that they don't reciprocate- they're happy, so you're happy.

But it's not enough. As much as anyone can ever feel that the other person being happy is enough for them to be happy, it simply isn't. It can't ever be. In order to have a healthy relationship, both parties must be supported. Both must feel equally empowered. Because you have to have all your other needs- food, safety, shelter, self-esteem- before you can have love.

If love is being entirely altruistic, and being entirely altruistic causes a downfall, then demonstratively love causes downfall...

So then, love is not a good thing...