Thoughts on the World

People are a parasite on the organism that is Earth. There are too many, and Earth is trying to get over this illness through tactics that any organism would use, and becoming inhospitable. But we are attacking too many of the systems at once- polluting the oceans, killing the animals, depleting the ozone... This is such a serious infestation that Earth may never recover from us.
We are AIDS to planets.
--Inspired by James Lovelock

"When people fall in love with what seems to be a "perfect" theory (a set of rules), and they love those rules more than they love people or places... they start to see the messy reality of life as interfering with the beauty -the imagined beauty- that exists only in their ... sacred texts, whether they're economic texts, or religious texts, or some dream of racial purity... the flip side of the love is that hatred for anything or anyone that interferes with that system."

"It doesn't have the ability to think rationally, this economic model: it thinks like a drug addict. 'Where can I get my next fix?' It doesn't learn wisely. If we think of any kind of measure of natural wisdom would be if you make a mistake you correct it the next time around. But a drug addict feels terrible, and then says, 'I want more.' And unfortunately we have an economic model that thinks like a crack addict."

--Naomi Klein

"... Whenever something bad happens like a war, like a big accident, or a tsunami, or a giant storm, anything like that, you find there are people that always freeze on the spot, and get killed. And there are others who recognize the warning signs, take action, and move, and save themselves. And they get selected. And in the course of the warm-up of the earth, this is going to happen: the ones with the sense of survival will migrate, and move... The others will just stay put, and hope that something will save them, and it won't."

"I don't know what to tell [my grandchildren] except the truth, what will be happening, and the options as I see them. But it's really going to be up to them. The best thing I can do is to encourage them, and get them to regard it with a sense that not only is it awful, and terrible, but [that] also there's an adventure there, and a chance of improvement, and that they should continue to have their children. They shouldn't say, 'Oh, what's the point of giving birth to children now, with a world like that ahead?' the whole point of natural selection will be spoiled if they do that, because they are the very people who should be having children!"

--James Lovelock

JTDC

I would like to call your attention once again to a post from February eighth, entitled, Skeletons.

This post has once again become a potent mindset for me, although there is a slight shift from upset to defeated.

But the basic sentiment is the same.
More on this later.


Jesus Tap Dancing Christ

Technological Advances

With all our brilliance we've created ubercomputers, Tivo, and cars that park themselves.

So why is it that we still haven't found a way to synthetically produce honey?
I mean, we don't even have a honey substitute. Why is that?
We have plenty of substitutes for other things, like sugar, oil, starch, even milk. Why not honey? If we can observe the molecular composition of honey, shouldn't we also be able to come up with a way to replicate it?
Is it really that hard to do?
Are bees really that much smarter than us?

Why is it that there is no Splenda or VitaSoy of the honey world???

I am completely and utterly alone in the world.

There's no sense in avoiding it anymore: I have no one.

Nobody cares what I have to say, or what I'm thinking. At the end of the day, there's no one I can talk to, not a single person. They are all too busy Dancing Through Life to notice that I need help. I can't do this on my own. I am so lost here.

They pretend to care, but really the human race is just so damned egoist, no one could ever truly be selfless.
And then there's the ones who just outright hate me. And that's just mean. I mean, I don't care that you don't like me. I'm not asking you to like me. I have plenty of experience dealing with large groups of people that just don't like me. But do you have to bury me in salt after you skin me? Isn't it enough for you that we just don't interact? Can't you be satisfied without spending all the energy to hate me? Can't you just goddamn leave me alone???

People ask other people where they think they'll be in ten, twenty years, or for the rest of their lives.

Well, I see myself alone. And I'll go to work, whatever it may be, and I'll come home, wherever that'll be, and then that's it. And I'll do that every day for years, because there'll be nothing else to do, and I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything about it.

So my existence is going to amount to pretty much zero....
And I mean, I hate that. But what are you gonna do?

Liviu Librescu

Yesterday morning at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Virginia Tech) twenty-nine people were injured, and thirty-three murdered in the largest, most fearsome massacre in the history of school shootings in the US. One among the fallen was a member of Kappa Kappa Gamma. This does not make her special, or set her apart from the other victims, it simply intensifies the pain and loss that I feel, and personalizes the attack for me.

Another of the slain was a man of great personal and academic achievement, as well as tremendous scholarly merit. As a native and escapee of Communist Romania, and a survivor of the Holocaust, he had an incredible understanding of the value of life, and lived his accordingly. He was the recipient of many engineering and science awards from multiple countries, including Romania, Armenia, the Ukraine, Italy, and the United States. He held multiple diplomas for his achievements in science, and held the title of Doctor Honoris Causa of the Polytechnic Institute of Bucharest, Romania. He was named in the Who's Who of Engineering, Science and Engineering, America, and the World. He was a member of the editorial board for multiple Academic Journals, Chair and Co-Chair of international engineering committees, and on multiple advisory boards and international organizing committees. He taught many courses at Virginia Tech, and had published many books and journals.

His wife was named Marlena, and his son was Joe. Even while in Romania, he stood out, refusing to swear allegiance to the Communist regime. while working at a government aerospace company. Later, when he was fired for asking to move to Israel, the Israeli Prime Minister himself intervened to get an emigration permit for his family.

He must have been amazing to talk to, or even to listen to. Lectures must have been incredible. Imagine being able to look deep into the eyes of one so acutely aware of both the most evil acts of man, as well as some of the greatest acts of kindness that one person can bestow upon another. To have such knowledge, and then to sacrifice oneself to save a room full of students so that they too can feel the effect of the goodness of mankind is purely divine. Those students who were saved by him must surely mourn the loss of such a god.

But to be able to look into those eyes, and see all they have seen, and then chose to ravage and destroy such an existence is stupefying to me. There is a certain feeling that hunters describe when the animal they have been stalking turns and looks at them eye to eye, or when the view the animal looking majestic, that consumes them, makes them want to cry, and incapacitates them for a moment, and they don't shoot. It is a certain awe-filled reverence that apparently played no part in this massacre. And who does he think he is, he who dares destroy that? He is not worthy of standing in the same room. Why is it that he is granted the power to remove such a force of good from the world? How has it come about that one with a character so weak as to be so consumed by pain, or terror, or whatever emotion it was and driven to such madness can overcome such a potent being?

At that very moment, when the trigger was tugged, and the hammer dropped, and the bullet started its rotation, and when it emerged from its steel bed to burrow into the man who stood in its way, there was an indisputable balance. This moment marked a meeting of pure goodness with encompassing ill intent. Both were destroyed in this clash, but the goodness lives on. It lives in the hearts of every one of those who escaped because of the actions of this man, and it lives on in the faith in it that has been reinforced, and it lives on even in the way the aggression was extinguished.

Many lives have been changed by Liviu Librescu. With a single act of selfless kindness his influence has reached back to Romania, to the scientific communities worldwide, to Jerusalem, and even to Santa Cruz, into the heart and soul of a poet, and has reinstated Life.

Human existence was created so that people like Liviu Librescu could demonstrate such goodness. If there is a meaning to life it is so we can feel so alive as we have been made to feel. Even through pain are we living, and that is simply why we live.

Lethargy

... except that's not quite the word for it.

It's like a pint of lethargy, with a shot of depression, laced with exhaustion... Yeah, that's more accurate.

And I know in this state if I were to somehow find myself in the ocean, I would sink without even putting up a fight. Down I would go, cloaked by the embrace of the undulations, plunging like such wreckage.

Submitting without resistance, I would feel the increasing constraint of the sea as I sank. I would greet as I sank many animals and fish, going about their business. They would not look up as I passed, because I would not disturb them.

And when I finally reached the soft layer at the bottom of the sea that is covered in the thick bed of plant life, I would find a round spot of sand, and curl close as a cat. And there in the deep resounding soundlessness I would sleep.

In the arms of Morpheus I would find security, and we would both revel in the intimacy and familiarity. And while we embraced the silence would carry our tenderness in its teeth. And while we had each other he would groan, and be stung at my woe.

Far below the world we would stay, isolated by our trust.

Singers

"Jesus Christ, I'm alone again.
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cuz this problem's going to last
more than the weekend.

Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

...

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust,
But I'm scared I'll get scared
and I swear I'll try to nail you back up.
So do you think that we could work out a sign?
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try."


This morning I found a spider web stretching across my room, and the spider close by. I trapped it in a jar, and not knowing what to do with it, left it with no way of getting out or getting air while I went to class.

Well, I came back, and found it, having completely forgotten, and shook the jar.

As if it weren't bad enough, my nearly asphyxiating the thing, I had to go pick on it when it had no defenses whatsoever. Logically, I know there is no possible way it could've defended itself against me, and I shouldn't've shaken the jar. I hate the fact that it made a dull thwacking noise as I inhumanely flung it against the metal lid of the jar, but I especially hate that the sound was repeated, as hearing it didn't stop me.

I can't believe I did that, and now I feel so horrible. The thought that I could be so mean disgusts me, but to consider that I actually did... I'm completely nonplussed.

Humans are a stupid, brutal race, and I exemplify all our worst qualities.



Go here. Listen to this dog. Yes, dog.
(This is the part of the blog for which the entire post was titled.)

Analgesic Rebound

So, I went to Kaiser because my head always hurts, and I have memory issues.

The first doctor had no idea what was wrong, so she prescribed Midrin (a pain killer used for both tension headaches and migraines) and gave me an appointment with an neurologist. When I went to see said neurologist, he told me that I am on analgesic rebound.

Basically, ALL drugs are habit forming, even ibuprofen and acetaminophen, no matter what you hear from anyone. And so the only way for me to get my head to NOT hurt is to not take painkillers. I must embrace the pain, and learn to ignore it, and this could take months.

This is exactly why I never liked taking medications. And exactly why I never did up until this year. Stupid irony sucks ass.

Oh, and supposedly the memory thing will straighten out on its own, and if it doesn't i have to go back for "rigorous testing."

So, if you see me, I'll probably be in pain...

This girl makes me feel fuzzy... <3

02:16:33 dracoaurea: i don't know if you've noticed, but i AM pretty strange, and socially inept...
02:16:58 sincerelysadie: hahahha
02:17:00 sincerelysadie: well
02:17:05 sincerelysadie: theres ppl like ME out there
02:17:12 sincerelysadie: who dont care HOW strange or socially inept you are
02:17:14 sincerelysadie: a friend is a friend
02:17:18 sincerelysadie: and if theyre like me
02:17:23 sincerelysadie: they'll know youre a good one to have
02:17:23 sincerelysadie: see
02:17:26 sincerelysadie: you and i
02:17:29 sincerelysadie: we have this relationship
02:17:32 dracoaurea: :)
02:17:38 sincerelysadie: where i know its soley based on trust
02:17:57 dracoaurea: and killing boys
02:18:03 sincerelysadie: hahaha
02:18:04 sincerelysadie: like i know
02:18:10 dracoaurea: <3
02:18:12 sincerelysadie: if i were ever to say "i want you to fuck this guy up"
02:18:17 sincerelysadie: and i didnt give you a reason
02:18:22 sincerelysadie: you'd do it
02:18:26 sincerelysadie: just cuz i said so
02:18:27 dracoaurea: I'm Italian.
02:18:31 sincerelysadie: and i know id do the same for you
02:18:35 sincerelysadie: and i believe
02:18:38 sincerelysadie: that kind of friendship
02:18:45 sincerelysadie: comes with a certain trust and bond

So you know that thing...

... where your subconscious identifies the thing that is most bothersome to you at the time, and makes it the center of your dreams, and then emphasizes and enlarges it until the dream turns into a nightmare, and that one thing takes over your dream, and make the night uncomfortable and tense, and then also takes over your morning, and puts you in a bad, defensive, isolated, acutely depressed mood for at least the first few hours, if not the whole day? Yeah, well, I hate that. I hate having the feeling that my subconscious can know so much about the rest of me, I hate that my own mind can choose to take advantage of a weakness like this and use it against me. I have no reason to do that to myself! I don't have anything against me...

So why is my brain pouring salt on my own wounds?

In a completely hypothetical way...

If two people have a relationship, and they split up, and he finds and marries someone else, and then the first couple starts having an affair.....

Who would be "the other woman?"

Just so nobody knows...

Since I know nobody reads this... I suppose it's just for me. Gosh that makes me feel lonely. Publish something that the entire freaking world can access, and there isn't one person out of 6 billion interested enough to read it... but anyway...

Non-existence sounds really great right about now...

I don't mean death... I love living, it can be incredibly fun. Just maybe suspended animation, or something. Some way to continue living in the future, but not have to be here right now.

Or, if it's possible, maybe I can have the part of my brain that controls emotions removed so I can stop beating myself up over the stupidest insignificant little things... hmmm. I wonder if that's even possible. I'm sure wherever that part of the brain is, it's been located already... probably in the frontal lobe... oh, wait...

This has already been done, popularized, and condemned... It's called Frontal Lobotomy... huh. Ironic.

But of course, without ANY emotion there really is no point to life...

Anyway.

Back to writing out mine.

Wisdom From Fake Robot Boy

"When I was young, my mother and I used to have fierce fights. We have 'philosophical differences' on how to live life (your average parent-child relationship). One of these arguments in particular left us both worn and drained, and I was on the verge of giving up. She told me to put my hands out and she hit them away, then she told me to put them out again, and she hit them away again. She kept asking and I kept reaching out, and then she stopped asking and I kept reaching out. 'That' she said 'Is what love is.'

"I have never since heard an explanation of the nature of love that is so simple and clear. We reach out to the ones that we love, knowing that we will get hurt and that we will be pushed away, expecting to get hurt and pushed away. Regardless, we continue to reach out to them because we love them and we know that they need us to reach out to them and offer our support even if they can't always say it."



This blog can be found in its original context here.

this was fun to write...

a first paragraph
full of crazy words
did not absorb lacks of things
brought down by a slight
nothing was right within this
OMIT THIS PAST STANZA

truth has no part in generality
but generality is truth
this is the truth but you know it
you’re fit but you know it
you’re sick but you know it

I am a spy, leading two lives at once.
I You can won’t do find anything. me.
IYcoaunwdooanntyftihnidnmge.

“I want you came to me.”
You’ve made a syntax error.
Go back and change your command.

Compare my love
with your lack thereof.
Go where it hurts
and then deeper.

And then I realized: I’m not me... I’m you.

Fine.

Salamis, lasagnas, and palindromes.
Oh, My.
You know you can say it backwards...
Mom, Dad, Bob, and Anna.
Docious Ali Expi Listic Fragi Cali Rupus

and when the Matador
in his fancy, romantic, perfect, brave suit
gets himself pierced
the fall from grace lined with his blood
end of the courtship, beautiful romance

and with my one last gasping breath
I apologize for bleeding on your shirt

Sunset is the horizon’s favorite time of day.

I've developed a new appreciation for Australians.

It's strange I never realized it before, it makes perfect sense...

Excuse me, for I don't mean to be crass, but may I just say...


MY GAWD.




Also, I think there needs to be a screenplay written for Kyle Gallner involving Michelangelo's David. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think the resemblance is uncanny...I don't know why...
I don't think Gallner is even Greek... And his features are softer because he's definitely younger than David... But I don't think there is any one person on the planet who looks more like David...

So I think I'm going to take it upon myself to start writing this... Or at the very least start jotting down ideas for it. It's been long enough that hollywood has continued to thrive without some sort of tribute to Michelangelo...

And it's not like it will be easy for anyone... I still have to WRITE the damned thing, pitch it, and get it made... But don't think it stops there, it won't just be me who's working...
Obviously Gallner will have to start working out some,
because let's face it:


There are no 21 year old boys built like this. Or rather, there are, but they are few, and far between, and our lovely Kyle Gallner is just not one of them...

But yeah...

That's your horoscope for today...

600mg of Methylxanthine

for all those wondering, and even you who weren't: bad idea

So yesterday I spent fourteen hours learning about and utilizing moral psychology. (If I were you, I wouldn't ask about this. It's a big, long story that I don't want to tell, and you don't want to hear.) Around 11:20, I found myself wavering, and drank about 80%of an Upshot (270mg methylxanthine). The rest went to Yvette. Of course it did what it was supposed to, and I was able to continue for another few hours. At four thirty, we called it quits, and I fell asleep around 6:15. I woke up the next morning at 9 to work on another project, eerily similar. I had class at noon, so around 11:35 I drank another Upshot (330mg).

For the first hour, I was incredibly alive. I had an hour of heightened senses. I was better able to retain information, I was more eager and better able to participate in class discussion. Then I found I was more opinionated. Then I found I was more bitchy. Then I had a convulsion. A single moment of complete spontaneous muscle contraction. And then there's the nausea. I've been fighting that for about seven hours now. All I want to do now is puke, so I can sleep successfully.

In conclusion, this has been one of if not The most medically unsound decision I've ever made.

The human body is not made to take 600mg of such powerful stimulants within 24-hours, especially if so few of them are spent sleeping, so few eating. So I implore you to learn from my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad mistake.


---
As a small addition, it took me until 3 in the morning to fall asleep.

The crappiest part was that I couldn't gag myself, no matter how I tried. For some reason I have incredible control over the suppression of my reflexes.

Holidays, California, and the Missing Link

A complaint filed by me, to me, during the winter holidays.


The holidays have always been a time of happiness and good will. We all trust that the celebration of the various religious holidays will overcome anything we may be feeling toward one another. In World War Two, there was a temporary hiatus in the battle between the German and British armies while the soldiers climbed from the trenches, and sung carols together on Christmas Eve. Today, government and big business alike release the indentured people, and allow them to celebrate with family and friends. Just the idea of spending a peaceful evening curled up by the fire spreads warmth into our hearts that spirits never could.

But for most Californians the winter season is not a time of peace and snow, but a time of terrifying torrential rain, which brings downed power lines, increased traffic jams, and terrifying gas and electric heating bills. The silent white we associate with the holidays has never shown itself in California, and the effect has become more and more noticeable- in the giant, fast cars we drive, in the hours we spend working, even in the way we interact with each other. Californians are a rude, selfish, aggressive people. Sure, we have our fun, but when it’s time to get things done we all prefer to have things run smoothly, and when that doesn’t happen, we get stressed out, and start biting off heads.

This lack of snow is unacceptable. California needs to be whipped into shape, and snow needs to start falling, if not for the beauty it’ll bring our state at least for the sanity of the people living here. Our people have been so snow deprived for so long that we have developed a powdered substitute that becomes snow when watered. As fun as this product is to watch, feel, and play with, it will never be a substitute for the calm, clean-slate feeling we get from a nice thick layer of real snow.

Tomorrow was a funny day...

I should logically have written this down yesterday, or this morning, but both those options were inopportune...

It started out a bad day.

I got up at eleven because I had an interview for a job as an RA at around one. I started my period, and then I locked myself out. Amanda bailed me out, though, with her crafty skills with a pole...

The interview wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... And didn't seem as long as it actually was. And so then I got my stuff together, and went to take the latin quiz that we have every Friday.

I got there, and looked at it, and went, "oh, shit...." but I got through it. And then I left. Didn't stay for the class part, only the quiz part, which I've done before. I went back toward my room, but before I got in the building, I saw Jaime sitting outside, upset, so I went over, and we talked, and he was having some issues, so I offered to make him rice to cheer him up. He agreed that would be nice, and we went to our rooms, and I invited K for rice too, and she said she was just about to ask me to the dining hall with her. So I asked Jaime what he would rather do, and he said he was meeting a friend relatively soon, and he wanted to shower.

So I went to the dining hall with K. I don't know what it was, but I was filled with such an energy! Like if I had jumped high enough I could have levitated. We ate, and then she came back with me to meet Geoffrey and eat Jelly Babies.

A little later, I went down to the ATM and got some cash, and Yvette and Jay picked up me and Genevieve, and the three of us went to dinner while he was... somewhere else, I don't really know. Well, we talked, and ate, and had some general fun. Then Jay showed back up, and we went down to Boardwalk Bowl to the bar there to watch Jay's band, Undecyded. The girls didn't have any cash on them, so I funded a bottle of Sailor Jerry's and some Sobes. Then inside one of Jay's friends bought Yvette a Jack&Coke, and Jay's mom came to the show, which was cool in a couple ways.

She knew all the lyrics to their songs. And Genevieve and Emily are her daughters names (Jay's little sisters). Then Beth called, and I talked to her for a little bit, and then we went back up to campus. I went up and hung out with Amanda, Annika, Elizabeth, and Hana, and Annika was doing her laundry, and found someone's pot they had washed in the dryer. SO we tacked it to Minh's board, and wrote "Hey Minh, someone washed their pot! Lol" and that was fun. I drank a whole 32 oz gatorade, and went to the bathroom NINE times between when I came home and when I finally fell asleep.

Then I had this crazy random dream that I was making out with some guy I didn't know, and I knew in the dream that I didn't know him...

And so that was my Friday...
Then today I went down Mission to an aquarium store, and bought Geoffrey a piece of acrylic log to hide under, and a small tank heater so I can stop worrying about him being cold... And then went to Purna's for a KKG event where we all sat around eating pancakes and talking, and watching video three of the Carmen Electra Strip Tease video series. Then we went back to campus, and K and I made rice, and went and retrieved her boy Chris from his Theta Chi function, and we all went back and had rice.

This weekend has seemed a LOT longer than all the others so far... Don't know why that is...

Oh, yeah, and I have to do lots of Latin hw and read Malcolm X's Autobiography As Told To Alex Haley by Tuesday. All of it.

That's all...

Oh, Geoffrey.

Let me preface this by saying that I am incredibly sorry that your home is so small. I, too, wish you could break free, and swim to me. Also, I'm sorry that the rocks don't allow for you to bury yourself. I know you'd like to hide, and would probably be much warmer, and I'm working on getting you sand for these purposes. Also, I know you like things warmer, and I'm sorry I can't find any good way of saving you from the cold.

But I'm so excited to have you living with me. It gives me fireworks inside when you put your nose up toward mine, when it calms you that I'm near, and when you swim around I could watch you forever. I can't wait until you're old enough to sing. To hear you will be like watching rain from the warm side of a window.

Feel safe in knowing that I'll take care of you, and will never leave you. If at least one of us can have that constant, I'll be happy for you. You know that you are not alone. I need you like water in my lungs.

Happy Swimming!

Hnoss

((An exercise in changing a myth.))


My mother once told me
That you were a swine
No, that’s wrong.
Her swine.

She said you were changed
To always be near her
And never to worry
What Daddy saw.

Uncle Freyr knew but he never told
Because you both knew, too
What Grandpa would do
If he ever found out about Her.

Freyr’s Giant was worse than
Anything
You or I
Could ever do.

And even the magic
That she taught to Daddy
He could never see
What was happening.

And she with her kingdom war-dead and he with his
And he thought my beauty was a union of deities.

They were his gift
To her, you know.
She kept half
And he kept her.

Even when every time he left
She cried tears of red gold.
She stayed with him
Even so.

Because of you.
Because of me.
Because of the offering.

But not because of the love, which she held most dear.
That’s what we were for.

And now, every time she travels
In her cart
Pulled by her lioncats
She knows.

All her love for,
All her attraction to,
All her battles of,
Her death, her magic, her wealth of

You.

She thinks of me,
And all I represent,
With my beauty,
And all I resent.

But I’ve taken her cloak;
The one from the redbirds.
And fly away with it
To find and return things.

Her necklace.
My freedom.