2.10.2007

Poor Nina......

So last night something was said to me that made me think, and made me a little bit upset...

"Poor Nina, you left her all alone!"

As if my going to college caused Nina to suddenly have no friends, and nothing to do. As if hanging out with me were the only thing she ever did before.

When Stephanie left I lost an older sister, and nobody felt bad for me. And Nina's WAY more independent than me, too. And it's not like I never see her, she only lives a half-hour away. And this has brought her closer to her dog, who used to get lots of attention from me, but doesn't now, and needs that attention. He gets it from his MOTHER now...

And what was I supposed to do, anyway? Do people really expect me to have never moved away or go to college, ever? Did I miss the part where I was destined to stay in my parents house doing nothing with my life so that NINA could feel more comfortable in hers? Is that really what these people want from me???

That's fucking ridiculous!!!

I love my little sister, but I will not sacrifice my life so that she can feel more comfortable because I'll always be there. The world just doesn't work that way. I need to have my life too.

And if that's not what was mean by that statement, maybe that statement shouldn't be made, because that's what it implies. Maybe that should be considered before anyone makes any more comments like that. Think about what you're really saying.

Is that so hard?

2.08.2007

Skeletons

You know how sometimes life has been crappy for a while, and then things get better, and then something drastically bad happens, and as that's being sorted out, and you're starting to feel good that "at least I don't have to deal with THAT anymore" life just turns around and slaps you on the face?

I hate that.

Especially when it sucks. Which just happens to be always. I don't understand why some people can't just leave well-enough alone. If you fucked up, and I've told you to be able to forgive you and forget about it (which is something you want) I need some time to NOT think about you, why in the world would that make it seem to you like I want you trying to make casual conversation with me? Can't you see it's killing me? Don't you understand that if you try to force yourself on me, I'm only going to hate you more? Especially after doing something like that. You should know enough by now to know that I'm not just going to forget about it and let everything go back to what it was. I have been known to forget everyday little things, but you should know by now that the odds of me forgetting what you've done are staggering. Especially if you keep randomly occurring in my life.

I love you. What happened there was probably the most amazing experience I have or will ever had. And if at the end of my life I were presented the option to cease to exist or to repeat my life over, exactly as it was, nothing changed at all, I would probably jump at the opportunity to experience That again, because all things considered, even everything I've been through doesn't seem so intolerable.

But I beg of you, Please, please, stop this torture. I want to be able to remember you for every amazing moment we had, every breath I took that was enriched because I was near you. Not the fact that you wouldn't let me go. I don't want to see you as a negative presence in my life, and so I need you to not be in my life.

I know it seems selfish of me to ask this of you, and I know I would never truly be writing this if I even thought there was any way you might some day find it. But don't I deserve my turn? You were selfish once, and it cost me my life. At least let me attempt the tangled mess of my life in peace. Please. Let me rest in peace.

It's not really so big a request. Just, stop.

Frederick Wilhelm Nietzsche, "On the Genealogy of Morals" section 14

"-and impotence does not require into 'goodness of heart'; anxious lowliness into 'humility'; subjection to those one hates into 'obedience' (that is, to one of whom they say he commands this subjection-- they call him God). The inoffensiveness of the weak man, even the cowardice of which he has so much, his lingering at the door, his being ineluctably compelled to wait, here acquire flattering names, such as 'patience,' and are even called virtue itself; his inability for revenge is called unwillingness to revenge, perhaps even forgiveness ('for they know not what they do-- we alone know what they do!'). They also speak of 'loving one's enemies'-- and sweat as they do so...
They are miserable, no doubt of it, all these mutterers and nook counterfeiters, although they crouch warmly together-- but they tell me their misery is a sign of being chosen by God; one beats the dogs one likes best; perhaps this misery is also a preparation, a testing, a schooling, perhaps it is even more-- something that will one day be made good and recompensed with interest, with huge payments of gold, no! happiness. This they call 'bliss.'"

2.04.2007

... And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west...

The world is a cold, cold place.

Keep your friends as close as you can, because you'll never know when you're going to need them, but be aware, and recognize when they've become your enemies.

Know that true friends are not the ones who climb the ladder, but the ones who'll stay with you when you get pushed off.

Know that what happens the first time around isn't nearly as important as what happens after you've forgiven what happened the first time around.

And above all else, know that those who truly love you will always support you, and will never abandon you for flashiness and power, no matter how attractive and easy it gets.




((Also, remember that they don't all suck, only the ones in power...))

This is the mug shot of Rosa Parks, to remind you that those who change the world are often unappreciated.

2.02.2007

=throws party=

Yay!

Hooray for technology, hooray for insurance, hooray for living only so far away, hooray for my daddy!

All these things have come together, and made everything better.
Dad brought me my new phone which isn't anywhere as cool as my old one, but a phone nonetheless. And I have to admit, the video/photo thing is pretty sweet...


This is the new phone....

2.01.2007

“How are you?” he asked, genuinely concerned. She didn’t look at him, but rather continued segregating her M&Ms. “Did you know,” she retaliated, “that the human body is capable of millions of emotions, yet we can only find names and words for the tiniest fraction of them?”


I just liked this. I wrote it for LTCR. It was an exercise in indirect discourse...

1.30.2007

Mood: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate life.

So I still don't have a phone. Supposedly I'm gonna get one within the next few days, but it's not here yet, so it does no good.

I didn't have an alarm clock this morning, so I woke up three minutes before my class started. I got over there, and as soon as I walked in we started reading the Communist Manifesto AS A GROUP. Not like, one person reads, then the next person... no no. We all must read at the same time. So we staged a protest, and walked out. Five of us. And thirteen stayed. Then we did group work, and were told that our talking was distracting. But that's what group work is about. Communication.

I need to wear all white for the initiation this Saturday, but alas, as I am me, I have no white. So I went and bought some. Except that the white I bought has black on it, and we're not allowed black at all. Not even a little. So I have to buy different white -a skirt, btw, it has to be a skirt- and I found some, no problem. At macy's online there's a skirt that would work perfectly, and I could overnight ship it, and everything would be fine. Except there is a problem. It costs ninety dollars. I want to get my dad's input on this, but oh, right, I don't have a phone. And when I try to use my room phone it has a seizure and makes this horrible noise at me. And I could use skype, but oh, wait, it's not free anymore. Go buy ten dollars worth of credits. Oh, except that it won't take accept the numbers I give it for the gift card. So I should go check the balance. Except, that website won't let me in either.

I am so frustrated right now.
There are no words descriptive enough for what I'm feeling.

1.28.2007

If looks could kill then my profession would be staring.

The following was taken from an online forum community... and is very funny.

[quote]
Hey, did you notice that we now have a Food & Drink forum? Well, we do. It's a subforum of General Discussion, so you'll have to click GD to get to it. It's a paradise for gluttons and casual eaters alike. Whether you're watching your weight or trying to become the world's fattest man so you can get on TV, Food & Drink is your new internet home. Talk about toast! Learn to cook pheasant under glass! Find new and attractive ways to cram things into your face!*

*Remember, Food & Drink is a forum about cramming edible things into your face. If you're cramming non-edible things into your face, like golf balls or tree bark, please discuss it in another forum, or wait until we create a special "Ways To Avoid Choking While Cramming Things Into Your Face" forum. It might be a long wait.


Oh, and by the way: More new forums are coming soon, so keep your eyes peeled!

Ugh, but don't literally peel your eyes, that's horrible and disgusting. Save it for the "Horrible & Disgusting" forum (unfortunately, we'll probably never have one of those).
[/quote]

And another, more prophetic.
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle
Courtesy of my friend and sister, Yvette.

1.27.2007

Stollen

Funny concept, that word.

When it's spelled with two "l"s its a type of holiday cake. Very popular in my family, popular in most European countries. Pretty good, too. Brings the eater feelings of joy.

But when spelled with only one "l," stolen means something completely different, and a lot less good. It means that one person out of the many in our community saw something they thought they should own, and shouldn't have to pay for. It means this person didn't think about anyone else from our community, lost in the moment of what he needs, and did something selfish.

The world sucks.

My phone is gone.


...that is all.

1.26.2007

Gippa, Gippa, Gippa....

Today the world was rainy. Not torrential rain, but the quiet, peaceful kind. The sound of the rain striking the roof above me, and the leaves on the trees outside and the windows of the building was so beautiful, almost like static on the poorly-tuned radio that is my life. My pillow was soft, and my covers so warm, that I kept drifting back to sleep. When Illona came home, she opened her window just slightly so she could hear it better, then she too hid under her blankets. It was that kind of day.

I went to Latin anyway.

I got up, and put on jeans and fuzzy green socks. I wore both a sweatshirt and a raincoat, just to stay warm, and I tucked the bottoms of my jeans into my rain boots so they wouldn't get wet. Walking through the woods like this, watching my breath hit me in the face, I couldn't shake the feeling that I should be on a horse, guiding sheep. Iceland was definitely with me today.


And that was when I decided that the next time I get a dog, it's going to be named Gippa. It'll preferably be a little white dog, but that's not necessary... but of course, then I started to look for little white dogs, and I found a breed I like the look of, but can't seem to find out what breed it is. It is most definitely some sort of terrier, but all the names I find seem to be more shaggy than this little dog...

It may be some part Cairn Terrier, some part Parson Terrier, and/or West Highland Terrier. As you can see, I have very little idea. Well, this is what it looks like... This dog was also the subject of a series of youtube videos, and this particular one seems to be named "Cookie."










This kind of looks the same....

Except, the one named Cookie seems to have a brown spot on his back right above his tail, and some brown on his tail, and also lining his ears, and this one's just white...
In reality, any puppy would be loved and cared for the same as any other puppy I had. But it really is bugging me now that I can't figure out what breed this is...


Oh, well... It's not like I can get a puppy where I am... Maybe a turtle, though... Or a duck...

Yet Another Cat

1.24.2007

This is the raw draft of an exercise for LTCR

When you’re at the top, there’s nowhere to go but down. It’s cliché, but true. Your parents were told by their parents were told by their parents before them. And after fourteen years of riding the high, the down came. It came down in three horrible days of pain, of suffering, and of sorrow. Being the first week of September it didn’t come as rain, but if it had rained the effect would be not the enhancement of the emotions, but the cleansing of them.

The first day was the first sign of something very wrong in a very long time. She knew things would go sour some day, and after those many happy years she expected it to come soon. But he hid it from her until that first day. He stopped eating that day, and he wouldn’t drink. She offered him water, and she offered him Gatorade, and he had refused both. He moped around the house, and just lay on the couch, not partaking in activities that generally provided him joy. He wouldn’t play with the cat, and he wouldn’t touch the puppy, though both these animals seemed to sense something was wrong, and wouldn’t really approach him like they usually did. He mostly slept all that day.

On the second day, after he had concerned her for a day, she followed him around, hearing his grunts, and watching his lethargic movements. He seemed indolent in his actions that day, as if it were lead that coursed through his veins, not the blood that was so thin. Or maybe it was the thinning of his blood that made him move more slowly. As if his life was in slow-motion as to afford him the chance to observe the whole day, see it for how normal it truly was. How much like all other days of his life this day was. And most importantly, how special that made it. The day was special because of how normal it was. Everything he did that day was exactly like he did it every other day of his life –save the not eating. And as he did so he reveled in the fact that this was his life.

On that third day, however, she could tell what was happening, and wouldn’t let him spend the day like every other day. She doted on him, following him around. The puppy retreated from the pair, wonted of her love, attention, and reassurance. These things he would not get from her this day, and it scarred him. To think that he would spend his best friend’s last day alone! She felt for the puppy, really she did. But this third day she needed to spend as a conclusion to the fourteen years with him. Hurt as he was, the puppy knew how important this was to her, and he turned to the cat, who wasn’t quite as mean or harsh in his play as he usually was. The cat wasn’t as spirited because he too would lose a best friend this day. He knew it. They all did. And they dealt with it each in his own way.

As the day drew to a close, she could feel him flickering, and she tried to be as helpful and comforting as she could for him. When she found him sitting on the grass she could tell it was drawing near, and she both hated the idea and loved that it provided a way out for him. When it finally happened they were together. He lay on his side, a merciful needle stuck in his leg. She held his head in her hands, giving him her love, support, and compassion until the very last. He looked up at her, and she could see fourteen years of love and devotion, pouring out of him. It spilled from his eyes, and splashed off the table. It ran off onto the floor, and she could feel it rising around her ankles. And soon it had filled the whole room, all the way to the ceiling, and she, she was drowning in it. And he with his relieved sighs, and her with the rivers on her face, were both completely covered, and floated in it, focused only on each other.

1.23.2007

Excerpt from "Beer vs. Pot," by Bill Hicks

Alcohol is legal. They push alcohol twenty-four hours a day on tv. They push it down your throat: “Drink beer. Drink beer. Drink beer.” Why? Well, cuz it makes you slow and stupid with a docile attitude, and that’s the way we like you. You know, it’s only the number two killer in the world... But I’ve actually seen beer commercials during “war against drug” specials. No sense of irony, you know, no one f***ing gives a sh*t...
Marijuana... oh, you know... cigarettes- legal. Alcohol- legal. Kill more than all other illegal drugs combined... times one thousand. They aren’t illegal. Maijuana, a drug that kills... uh... no one... and, let’s put it in a time frame: ever. Marijuana’s against the law.
You tell me why. I don’t know. You want a better world, legalize pot.
It’s a better drug, I’m telling you! Here, I’ll prove it to you.
You’re at a ball game, you’re at a concert, and someone’s really violent, aggressive, and obnoxious, are they drunk, or are they smoking pot? Drunk! We all know the truth. I have never seen people on pot get in a fight, because it’s f***ing impossible. End of argument.
Say you get in a car accident, and you’ve been smoking pot. You’re only going four miles an hour... “I think we hit something.... It’s okay, I forgot we were going in reverse...” But at least no one was hurt. A garage door has to be replaced. Boom! A child is then created!

1.19.2007

Tribute to a Best Friend

--a poem to accompany an album

When I think about you and all of our time
I crawl inside myself and just cry.
I think of your eyes, and the light that once shined,
I think of our friendship, gentle and kind.
I think of your ears, and how they made your expression.
I think of how you followed me, loved me blindly -- no question.
I think about you, and I think about me
How life will never again be what it should be.

And I try to cry myself to sleep, but instead
I weep
all night long.
The dawn breaks red without you here,
And I've cried the whole night -- No sleep.

I know you're not in pain, and I know you're better off,
But how am I supposed to survive
This Way?
I am a broken, fractured, shattered shell.
I strive for no hope, and I live for no hell.

But as I lay here I can feel the trickle of tears.
They roll 'round my cheeks, and they land in my ears.
And the sun brightens the room even through the curtain.
And I know-

-there's no doubt-

-this one thing-

-I am certain.

That You are my constant. With you there's no change.
I loved you, you loved me, forever. Always the same.

And I die still a bit when I think about you.
Because I know so well that you loved me too.

I could tell by your manner, comfortable and wise,
And as you lay dying I could see it in your eyes.
I could see it in the way you looked lovingly at me, although blind.

I could feel it in the weight of your head in my hands.
And as I watched your hourglass run low on sand

I knew it so purely
like the density of stone
I loved you.
You loved me.

And you were never alone.

1.05.2007

The Cat in the Guitar Case


We all know that the cats in our lives are funny, silly, wonderful creatures that often do things that we find entertaining. This blog will be a tribute to all the things the cat I live with does. Pictures and stories will be posted (not necessarily my own), and I hope you find it as entertaining as I do.