the bastardization of my favorite holiday

So, today has been extremely long, and very tiring, and frankly I'm surprised I'm still up.
Last night I spent at my parents' house, and slept from about 330 to 7ish. Then I went to work with me dad, and nodded off in a chair in his office til it was time for him to take me to CARD, where I attended a therapist meeting. Then L*** picked me up around noon to take me to the bus station, where the 17 bus was extremely late. It ended up taking me from 1 til 330 to get from downtown SJ to class (which i was late to). Then in class my teacher excluded me from virtually all exercises, which hurt in 2 ways: one because I was working hard to come up with answers for if she had called on me, and two because I know that not being called on makes me complacent, and I'll start to not care about it, and therefore not do it. Then she separated me and C****, so we had to work with other people, so of course that meant that I had to work by myself, because whenever I'm meant to work with people I don't know I always end up getting overlooked (another inclination to complacency). Then after class I told CC about how this upset me, and her response was all about how this is the first time I've ever not been called on, and how I was ruining her day. Her exact words were, "not to be a downer, but until you started doing this I was in a really good mood."

I didn't fabricate that at all. That's a direct quote. So of course I was upset by that. I pretty much just put my head down and cried the rest of the bus ride to her car. She had wanted me to go run errands with her, and I had wanted to, but at that point was definitely no longer interested, and asked her to take me home, where I ate mac and cheese, biscuits, and cake, and fell asleep. We did, however, both express in the car that we would both still like to spend the evening together. When she called me to go out, I got ready and went, expecting to spend the evening with her. But really all she wanted to do was get me out of the house. As soon as we were downtown, she called P**** to ask where she and her friends were going to drink.

They were going to the Palomar for dinner, so I went with them there and sat at their table while they ate. I kept trying to get a hold of Rob, who had said he was in a haunted house in Morgan Hill, and would call me when he was done. He didn't call me til the last five minutes of their dinner, which was only because I had called him a few times. He said he was already in East SJ, and not driving cos he was drinking, so we weren't going to meet up. By this time the girls had decided they wanted to go to Rosie's.

I wanted to not be around them anymore, because I tend to find that when you're not hanging out with someone, and they're going somewhere you're not allowed, and the thing you were going to do to make it ok that they were going to ditch you fails, and you have nothing left to do, it's a little embarrassing, but C**** made me walk down to Rosie's with them. There she gave a me a big long hug, and told me she loved me three different times, and kept telling me that if anything happened to me, to call her before anyone else. I couldn't bring myself to look at her, but I promised anyway, saying "what could happen, I'm just going to walk home."

So I walked the 2 miles home, which under normal circumstances should have taken about 40 minutes, but in heels in the wet, when I got lost, and all ended up taking from about 10:20 to about 12:40. Like I said, I got lost along the way, and in a slight panic sent C**** a text saying I had managed to lose myself, but never got any reply, so I kind of just forgot about what she had said about calling her when in danger, and kept walking. In this way I eventually convinced myself that I really am alone in this life, and I'm not going to get that to change any time soon. I know she loves me very much, but she's just not dependably there for me, especially in the last few days.

I appreciate her attempt to get me out on Halloween to have fun, really I do. But I wish she would realize that for me, walking two miles home while she drinks and parties with the friends that are older than me really isn't fun. I cherish the days we spend together, on the couches, doing homework. She doesn't ever act really supportive during those study sessions, but then again, I don't ever desperately need her during those times, so I don't really give her a chance to fail at supportiveness.

Anyway, I'm home now, though I haven't texted her. I figure if she really did want to know I was safe she would have at least contacted me when I told her I was lost. I drank about the last four ounces of Jager at the bottom of the bottle Rob and I cracked the other night, and cut my hand, and am ready to pass out. Tomorrow I have to correct and start memorizing my italian homework, and find some way to san jose before grandpa's birthday, and then call rob afterward.

I guess at some point during this I should get in contact with Andrew, but on the other hand, he hasn't made any attempt to contact me....


P.S. Apparently Jager bottles don't smash when lobbed into streets from balconies. They just clank, and tumble, and make stupid noises. Stupid thick glass. That's not satisfying at all.